Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just tell him i said nine months
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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