Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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