I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize