i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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