i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
