my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
