then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
