Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
