i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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