My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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