I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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