Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Randomize
