I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
