hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize