My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize