youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
