have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
