He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize