It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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