I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
