I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
there's paper in my vomit.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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