i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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