I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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