A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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