I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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