and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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