the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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