good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Four minutes until I can fart!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
