So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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