dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
