So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
