I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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