I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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