I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
