I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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