Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
