I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
