Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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