if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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