Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
