i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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