i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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