Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
