I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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