someone get that fucking seahorse.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize