I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
