shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
