I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
