If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
