I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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