I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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