Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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