I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
