I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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