alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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