Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
