i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He better not be in your backpack
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
