i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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