I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize