everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
