I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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