His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
