then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
