Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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