Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize