Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
did i walk over a car last night?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
