she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if only i could text you this smell
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
