You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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